someone threw a dead crab at me
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
