Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
