If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
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