she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
