Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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