i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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