So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
