btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
