My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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