I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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