Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
