upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
