he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Randomize
