Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
