This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
