its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
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He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
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We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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