Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
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