I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
