I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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