Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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