i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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