The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
