youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
