I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
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i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
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Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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