i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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