I could make wine with my vomit
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
