I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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