my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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