his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
