you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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