I think I just saw someone hide a body.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
