apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
