I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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