I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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