I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
he had hair everywhere except his balls
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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