I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
