Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
