I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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