all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
