I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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