Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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