just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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