if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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