I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
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It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
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