I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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