if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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