Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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