I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
