Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
She told me I should be a condom model.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
