You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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