when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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