how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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