i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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