I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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