I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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