My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
